Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone Parody
by MissChocklitMilk
Summary: A parody of the first book. Hogwarts staff elope, Dumbledore gets punched in the face, Harry is sheltered in Hagrid's beard...what? T for language.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One - The Boy Who Lived

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of number four Privet Drive had a son named Dudley and he was really fat. Maybe it was genetics (Mr Dursley had way more adipose tissues than regular humans) or maybe it s because they always spoil him and shove lots and lots of food down his ass. I don't know. Mrs. Dursley, first name Petunia, was a really thin freak. She liked spying on people, heaven knows why. She was like a ninja. She had a sister called Lily, who was way prettier and cooler than her. Lily married a really hot wizard named James, and he impregnated her with a baby. This baby was born and they called him Harry.

Lily and James were killed because they had noses. Little baby Harry almost got killed for his tiny sweet sweet baby nose, but Voldemort had an itch on his supple pale bum and did the curse on Harry wrong, accidentally killing himself. Well, not really kill, but we're still on the first book so we ll get on that later. Anyway, since Voldemort had an itch he accidentally scratched Harry s forehead instead of his butt and that s why Harry had a lightning shaped scar.

So that s the back story. Now night has fallen and some old guy appeared out of nowhere on Privet Drive. He was really really old. Really. He was wearing black tights and leotards and a purple robe. It was not known if he was wearing underwear. On his head was a pointy hat he always wore so people would think he was a hip young snicker doodle. He had a really long white beard he was very proud of, and when he was feeling up to it, he shampooed and conditioned it with tender love and care, and sometimes fixed it up with styling hair gel. It made the old guy feel confident about himself.

There was a cat there looking at the old guy. The cat's eyes filled with lust and it's mind filled with perverted thoughts. The cat transformed into an old lady. "Albie!" She squealed in a surprisingly deep man voice. This was Minerva McGonagall, former famous belly dancer extraordinaire. She was retired because she ate too many blubber nuggets. She now taught at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, because on the day she got sacked, Albus Dumbledore (the old guy here, also the headmaster of Hogwarts) was in the bar she was working at. He felt sorry for her and offered her a teaching position.

Dumbledore jumped, eyes covered in spectacles widening with surprise. He clutched his heart (actually his left manboob, because his heart is inside his ribcage) and yelled. "SWEET JESUS MINERVA! YOU WANNA GIVE ME A FUCKING HEART ATTACK?"

"Sorry, Albie," McGonagall's smile of pleasure wiped off her face. "So, what happened?"

"Voldemort has gone. He's killed Lily-"

Minerva gasped. "Not Lily!" She exclaimed, her eyes filling with tears. "She was so good in bed!"

"-and James-"

Minerva gasped again. "Not James!" She exclaimed, her eyes filling with more tears. "He was even better!"

"-but Harry's still alive. Hagrid's bringing him."

"You think it wise to trust Hagrid with the little child?" Minerva asked worriedly. "You know, there are a number of cases in the Ministry of giants raping young children-"

"Minerva!" Dumbledore scolded. "Hagrid's not like that. He's..." a dreamy expression was on his face. "Different. He's...handsome, wonderful, kind, his eyes go all crinkly when he smiles that smile, so hot, so great in bed..."

"Dumbledore!"

Dumbledore went back to normal. "Sorry. What I meant was: I would trust Hagrid with my life."

They heard a weird sound coming from the sky. They looked up, and there was a flying hotpink Barbie bike in the air. On the bike's basket was a pile of blankets and a limited edition Bratz doll. A giant was on the bike, pedalling towards them.

"Awesome ride, Hag! Oooh, training wheels," Minerva looked at the bike. "Where ya get?"

"Sirius gave it to me," Hagrid said, getting off the bike. He looked at it like it was his baby.

Speaking of baby, "Where's Harry?" asked Dumbledore. He went to the basket. "Is the wittle baby boy okay?" He took the pile of blankets. Hagrid wrestled it from Dumbledore and punched him in the face, causing him to fall down to the hard grey concrete street.

"SWEET JESUS DUMBLEDORE! IF YOU WANT TO TOUCH YASMIN YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO ASK FIRST!" Hagrid screamed in fury. He hugged the Bratz doll. "It's okay, shh, shh, it's okay, Daddy's here, Daddy's here..." Hagrid soothed the doll in a comforting voice. This went on for a quick few hours.

"Hagrid, where's Harry?" Minerva asked.

"Huh? Oh right, right." He tenderly put Yasmin back onto the basket. He shoved his hand in his bushy brown beard, and pulled out the sleeping baby, Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived.

Minerva teared up a bit. "So young, already an orphan..." She took Harry in her arms and she placed him on number four, Privet Drive's doorstep. She crouched down on the unconscious figure of Dumbledore, and felt around his robes (to her enjoyment) for the letter. She found it and tucked it in Harry's blanket.

"Well, shall we go?" Minerva asked.

Hagrid looked down on the crumpled heap that was Albus Dumbledore, and smirked. "Not just yet."

They shaved off Dumbledore's prized beard. They took his eyeglasses, super hip hat, robes, tights and leotards. They apparated to Diagon Alley, sold Dumbledore's beard and belongings, and eloped to Vegas.

**Review! ~**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two – The Vanishing Glass

"Rubeus..."

"Yes, Minerva?"

"What are we going to do?" She moaned in dismay. They were being escorted out of the Muggle motel they were staying at for the night; Hagrid had sat on the bed and broke it clean in half as soon as he put his weight on it. They didn't have to money to pay for the bed because they wasted all their money on the casinos.

"Right, and don't come back!" The American muggle with the British accent who owned the motel shouted after them.

"What are we going to do?" Minerva repeated quietly.

"Dunno what yer gonna do, but what I was plannin' ter do after this one night stand was ter get back ter Hogwarts. 'pologize ter Dumbledore."

"If he's alive, you mean," she replied gravely. Then she glared at Hagrid. "What do you mean, '_one night stand_'? And what's with the sudden speaking difficulty?"

Hagrid winked. He pulled out Sirius' bike out of his beard, got on it, and pedaled away, leaving Minerva McGonagall all alone in Las Vegas, Nevada.

A tear glistened on her cheek. "It always ends like this," she told herself morosely.

-x-x-x-

Albus Dumbledore was not, as some believed, dead. No, he was still alive, his heart was still beating. He wasn't about to die by some measly punch in the face, no matter what age. No, Albus was strong. And he was courageous.

A gasp broke the dawn's silence on Privet Drive (yes, dawn. Dumbledore felt quite comfortable on the sidewalk and fell asleep). A witch called Poppy Pomfrey saw a naked old man lying on the sidewalk, face covered in blood.

"_Oh dun doodly dear me_!" She exclaimed, hands on her large chest.

And that was when she realized her love for Healing. Dumbledore, happy to find out that the only thing broken was his nose (and 48 bones in his ear, but Poppy said he could just Q-tip those out of his system), gave her a job healing Hogwarts students at the Hospital Wing in the castle.

Ten years later, Harry Potter woke up.

"WAKE UP YOU SHITTY LITTLE RETARD EXCUSE FOR A COUSIN OF MY DEAR DUDDERS!" His Aunt Petunia's shrill voice was the cause of his stirring. Damn, and he was having a really good dream about flying Barbie bikes.

As for the verbal abuse, well, today's it was actually mild compared to other days. Sometimes it was "! #$%, ^&$*******! *******! *** *****!" …And Harry didn't like that word. At all.

He got out of the cardboard box the Dursleys make him sleep in.

"FINALLY!" Petunia shrieked, even if it had only been 0.01 milliseconds after she screamed at Harry to wake up. "GO WATCH BACON! MAKE SURE IT NOT BURN!"

At first, Harry was confused. He thought she was going crazy, and was screaming her head off to make Harry watch his favorite cartoon (it was called Bacon). But then he remembered that his aunt had a disease that makes her suddenly have bouts of Down syndrome and a number of psychological sicknesses.

Harry did as he was told, and headed for the kitchen.

"Good Morning, Boy," A bubbly, smiling Vernon greeted him with cheer. Harry questioned this felicitous manner his uncle was—oh yeah, now he remembered. His Uncle Vernon also had a disease.

"WEEEEEE ITS MAH BIRTHDAUUYWOO," Harry's cousin Dudley emitted a sound that sounded like a whale mating song as he fell in step behind Harry to the kitchen.

"I had a really pretty dream, you guys!" Harry told his loving family as he cooked the bacon. "There was this flying bike—"

Vernon slapped him across the face. "_BIKES DON'T FLY!_" he thundered.

"B-but," Dudley whimpered. "E.T…." Tears streamed down his cheeks.

Petunia hugged her son. "Aww, it's okay Diddykins," she kissed him on the head many times. "Don't cry, it's real, it's true that bikes can fly if you just believe in your dreams, miracles happen…"

Then Petunia let out gas. It was another one of her mental defects.

-x-x-x-

"OHH YOU SON OF A BEACH GET IN THE FUCKING CAR NAOO DONCHOO RUIN MY DINKY DUDDYDUMS' SPECIAL DAY!" Petunia slapped Harry's eleven-year-old arse as he climbed in the car.

It was lucky, Harry pushed Arabella Figg (the old lady whom the Dursleys ask to watch Harry when they were away) down the stairs and she broke her neck and both of her femurs, and is suffering from numerous fractures on her left tibia. Now she can't take care of Harry, so the Dursleys have to take Harry with them on their trip to the zoo.

"Hi," Piers, Dudley's boyfriend, was going on along with them for his boyfriend's birthday. He just arrived with his mom.

His mom, Mrs Polkiss, went to Vernon and Petunia. "I want my son to be back by 12 midnight, no less!" She stormed away. "And still chaste!" She called as she drove away in her yellow Lamborghini.

Harry scoffed. "Still chaste? He wasn't chaste to begin with when he started dating my cousin." He glared at Piers.

Piers smiled innocently.

Harry hated Piers.

Hated him so much.

Piers went inside the Dursley's car, and shut the car door. He was leaning on the car window.

Harry hated Piers.

Suddenly, the car's glass window vanished. Piers fell out of the car and died.

Vernon hauled Harry out of the car and stuffed him in his box. "STAY—NO MEALS!"

**So how do you guys like it? Please Review/Fave/Story Alert/or whatever you want to do! And if you're a Dramione shipper, be sure to check out my other in-progress fanfiction, Hermione Granger Sneezed! :)**


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